White House sources are confirming that British authorities have Edward Snowden in custody and are already preparing to extradite him to the United States.
Snowden was aboard a direct flight from Moscow to Cuba. When the flight crossed into British airspace, the pilot of the flight was instructed by communications from the Royal Air Force to make an emergency landing immediately. The pilot complied, and Snowden was discovered on board and apprehended immediately after the plane touched ground.
Details on the events leading to the capture of Snowden have already been leaked. According to reports, Snowden’s exact location was pinpointed to a specific gate at the Moscow airport, leading American authorities to discover the flight he boarded.
Rather than a coordinated effort by any particular American governmental agency, the successful effort to locate Snowden appears to have been carried out without authorization by, Urafúl Efubelibdis, a foreign contractor working with the NSA as a low-level technology specialist. By tapping into a Russian cell phone data bases during his lunch break, Efubelibdis was able to mine through outgoing calls made to both the Kremlin and Knightsbridge, London, where Julian Assange has been taking refuge for the past year in Equador’s embassy. Snowden was believed to have been in contact with Assange and Vladamir Putin recently.
According to Efubelibdis, “There was only one match for a cell phone that called both Knightsbridge and the Kremlin within a short period of time from the Moscow airport.” After identifying the cell phone, Efubelibdis worked quickly to pinpoint the exact location of the phone. “I was worried the signal might not still be available, and I was surprised that I was able to find it so easily,” said Efubelibdis.
Not knowing exactly what to do with the information, Efubelibdis considered contacting the media to expose Snowden’s location; however, after some careful thought, he decided instead to bring this information to his supervisor at the NSA who then forwarded the information to the FBI and CIA.
Urafúl Efubelibdis gave the following comments to reporters before ending his press conference: “I just thought what Snowden did was wrong, and I wanted to make sure he did not get away with it. I also wanted some fame and notoriety for being the person to expose such a big story. I know I wasn’t supposed to tap into Russia’s private cell phone databases, but in my opinion, the risk was worth it.”
Vladamir Putin has yet to respond on the matter from the Kremlin, but American intelligence officials are now closely monitoring Russia’s nuclear launch sites in fear of retaliation against the U.S.
(Editors note: the preceding piece is not really breaking news; it is more like broken satire. Feel free to criticize the effectiveness of the satire below if you please, but please don’t bother telling me these events never happened. In my mind, they did.)